#9 Hit On Every Teacher

Nothing grabs a teacher's attention like a low cut school sweater or a tight pair of jeans. Be sure to catch the eye of every teacher you have, lest the one you most need the grades from gets lazy. If they are all aware of their need to compete for your, your grades will get as high as their pensions.

For boys, be a gentleman. A female prof, regardless of age, background, etc, will always appreciate you complimenting her looks, holding doors and noticeably checking out her assets.

For girls, flirt like it was your job. Those dusty, vested and bearded professors are just as dry and uninteresting as they seem. Try to find a way to spice up the teacher-student relationship a bit and keep them wanting more.

By establishing a relationship of this nature with your teacher (where you have them drooling each time you pick up a book) not only will they know you on a first name basis and ensure a high participation mark, you'll also be able to get away with almost any academic mishap!

#8 Answer Every Question

Knowing the answer is secondary. Ask any philosopher if life has more questions than answers and they will always tell you there are, by far, more questions. Now, we all know that you can't have 'too much of a good thing', right? So logically, if there are more questions than answers, questions must be good. Therefore, questions are more important than answers. Every time a teacher asks a question, your hand should be in the air.

Regardless of what the question is, you should supply an answer to the best of your knowledge: what 2+2 is, who had the stapler last, 'did anyone do the readings', etc. Be sure to also answer any questions directed at others, not just open ones. All this response on your part shows that you are knowledgeable, engaged, and responsible. Put the response back in responsible!

#7 Never Do Things When You Say You Will

Image is everything, and you need to maintain it. Do so by keeping those you associate with constantly on their toes by never doing things when you say you will. Arrive late (or maybe early), practice Christmas in June, hand in assignments when best suits you, update things at random,etc. Not only does this demonstrate how adaptive and cunning you are, it will cause your friends and family to respect you more and acknowledge your independence and importance.

You may notice a decline in the number of events you are invited to, but this is just because the public is becoming more aware of how important you are and don't want to waste your time. Likewise, if you discover a drop in grades from handing work in late, it is likely not due to a time restriction and is probably the instructor acknowledging your skill and challenging you with by creating some 'academic room'.

#6 Stay Current

Keep on top of current affairs, particularly media. Watch the news, read about pop-culture ups and downs, but most importantly, keep tabs on contemporary TV series. House, Lost, Mad Men, 30 Rock, The Office, Grey’s Anatomy. You need to know characters, producers, air times and how many times SNL has parodied each. Be sure to follow all the big ones (lest you miss anything important), but if you’re feeling unproductive try catching up on TV shows that used to be popular. What good is a liberal arts degree without context, right?

#5 Never Study

An exam is intended to test how much you know right? So why skew the results! Let each test or exam be an accurate assessment of your knowledge and abilities. When it comes to test time, just remember – every question has an answer. And someone else has answered it before and will probably let you know what it is. When you get your good grades back, be sure to express to your teacher just how little studying you did. This will really show off your natural intellect.

#4 Only do readings while pooping.

#3. Be Cultured

Americans and the British have a long-standing admiration for each other. Musicians from either side of the Atlantic have been inspiring each other for over a century. Demonstrate to your professors how cultured you are by changing the spell check setting on your word processor to the opposite country you are in before writing all your assignments.

#2. Always Abbreviate.

Classes in which you are required to write essays, I’m sure you’ll go to a few, have a special kind of professor - the kind that appreciates an interesting and challenging read. Upon completing your essays, be sure to go over them and include a friendly dash of conjunctions, acronyms, abbreviations and even a word or two in a different language. Then you’ll look smart! Slang is also heartily encouraged, especially in highly academic or historical papers, as it shows you know a lot about society and fully understand the significance of your subject. The newer the slang the better!

#1. Set Your Own Schedule

They say, 'half the battle is just showing up'. But really, who’s paying who here? Shouldn’t you be able to choose when you’re taught? If you feel the need to take a mental health day, you do so! More over, if you feel that your Humanities 101, Introductory Latin or Art for Economic Studies course is not worth your time, don’t give it any!

However, if you deem a class worth attending, be sure to allow an appropriate amount of time to pass before arriving in the classroom, usually fifteen minutes to half an hour. Make sure you communicate to the instructor that you have granted them your attention for the time being. Usually a loud cough, sneeze, banging the door on your way in or even a cheerful greeting will work. If directly acknowledging your instructor requires too much effort, get acknowledged in another way like sporting a brightly coloured and elaborate hairdo, or large amounts of perfume or cologne. Using excessively little amounts of perfume or cologne may also warrant a similar effect. These tactics will also grab the attention of your peers and will probably make you some friends.

A Wonderful Guide To Being A Terrible Student

Welcome one and all!

You now find your self reading the ultimate guide to becoming a terrible student!
I, J.H. Brannen have conducted extensive research on what it is to be a student: social and cultural aspects, biological and physical developments and most importantly, how students become successful. Armed with this knowledge I present to you my guide to becoming the worst student you can possibly be!

Now you may be asking yourself, why would I want to be a terrible student? I can understand why you might be saying that, but let me assure you, there are some very good reasons.

Realistically, students are quite probably the lowest ranking class in Western social structures - somewhere under babies and house plants. Students are forced to pay exorbitant prices to fat-cat schools, live a subsistence lifestyle (not to mention poverty) and slave away for redundant qualifications! Not to mention they are encouraged to accrue massive debts and are then expected to somehow thrive along with the rest of society! Essentially being a student, is being a second class citizen. No longer prized like children, not yet valued as an adult. So why would you want to be a student?


Becoming a terrible student says a lot about you as an individual: you've chosen not to become one of the pack. By determinedly being a bad pupil, you are showing your faculty and peers that you are independent, free thinking, self-motivated and true to your own values - a real sign of integrity. So, come on black sheep! Let's be something different!

Starting January 20th, I shall post tips daily and hopefully as the blog continues, you, my dear reader, shall become a more and more terrible student.