#20 Be Online

Get facebook.

If you already do, you should check it.

These days, staying in touch is one of the most important parts of life. Maintaining an active twitter account, using instant messengers as much as possible and saving money on cell phone bills by using Skype are all vital to a modern lifestyle. Furthermore, invest in a Blackberry or iPhone so you can update twitter and facebook as much as possible. Although only get a data or text plan and don't waste time calling people.

You may also want to consider starting a blog.

Aside from frequently checking your FB updates and celebrities tweets, maintain an active flickr account. Be sure to include party pictures, pets, and anything else that looks really cool and is near you when you've got your DSLR handy. Which should be always.

The point of maintaining an active life online is actually two fold. For one, engaging in modern pass times and keeping up with current trends shows you are in touch with the world and are social. When hanging out with friends or going to events, keep in mind: if it's not on twitter it didn't happen!

Secondly, immersing yourself in the digital world means you are embracing the contemporary. Do you want to tell your grandkids, who will probably only talk to you via email or hollogram chats, that you didn't visit Stumblupon, troll 4chan or untag yourself on facebook? NO!

All those things you think you should be doing, DON'T DO THEM! They aren't going anywhere! If you leave that essay untouched for a day, it won't go bad. But the internet is a living, breathing thing! It ebbs and flows with the seasons (television), lives and dies with the memes!

Engage in the present! Don't let life pass you by! Grab it by the touch screen and really LIVE!!

If you can't prove, via flickr, facebook or blogger that there is a heart beating in your chest, one that goes to parties, went to the mall that one time or had a Macbook with Photobooth, you haven't lived.......

#19 Wikipedia

It's your best friend.

#18 Share Ideas

Sharing is a beautiful thing, and as a terrible student, you should embrace it fully.

Fundamentally, sharing is the act of exchanging information. However, there are no rules about when or where you contribute your portion of the exchange. What this means is that you are allowed to share information with lots of different people, but you don't have to give them your side of the exchange right away.

This is most useful when you have to write an essay, or any other kind of paper, as the school has provided you with a bountiful source of information to share - it's called a library.

You can share ideas with library ALL THE TIME! And the library isn't waiting for you to give back anytime soon. So use the library liberally next time you need to fill up a word count, run out of ideas or don't have the time to write most of your paper. The library won't be offended.

#17 Listen To Music No One Has Heard Of

It will make you cooler.

#16 Practice Dissent

Keep your profs on their academic toes by pointing out every flaw, mistake and decision they make. This also includes bringing up typos, mispronunciations and grading. Most importantly, be sure to challenge every grade you get. Marking is an experience, and if your teacher is burnt out by the time they get to your paper (common if you are either very tardy, very on time or have a last name like Zuckermann), they are more likely to skimp on actually accessing your work.

Be sure to apply this theory to all assignments you hand in, but especially those you don't. How are they sure they didn't lose it, right?

#15 Watch The Olympics

#14 Share

In a teacher-student relationship, it is important to maintain a give and take system. That way, everyone learns from each other and everyone prospers. This sharing system also applies to things like staples, paper, laptops, textbooks and sometimes footwear.

#13 Be A Storyteller

The world is full of great leaders, and most share a common trait: Oration.

On your own time, develop your oral skills as best as possible. When an opportunity arises in school in which you can make a statement TAKE IT! Seize the moment to flaunt your verbal prowess! Make sure that everyone in the room knows that you're talking, if someone tries to interrupt you, a cold stare or thrown object should subdue them. Under no circumstances should you stop talking!

Also, the more you talk, the more important you seem. It means you've got a lot to say and are informed. At times you have may have to push the limits of your knowledge of the topic or stretch the portions you know well, but that's OK. Repetition ensures your audience understands your point.

Volume is also a crucial aspect of good oratory skills. When you feel the need to express your opinion, make you sure do so at a suitably loud volume - you wouldn't want anyone to miss what you're saying.

Finally, be sure to discuss a wide range of subjects. Anything political, religious, cultural, topical, etc, that comes up should be followed up by what you know of the subject. Though some may try to dissuade you from your opinion, they're probably wrong. Statistically, how many people could be right anyway?

#12 Control Your Money

As you may have noticed, your school's administration is pretty busy. Do them a favour and ease their workload by paying your tuition well after the due date. That way your student loan makes you feel richer for longer and the finance office will have less work! It's not like you school needs the money.

#11 Stop Sleeping

Alcohol and recreational drugs are expensive. Similar results, if not more effective, can be attained simply by ascertaining no more than four hours sleep per night.

Or day...

Whichever it is....

#10 Laugh At Everything

Ask anyone what they seek in a mate and they will almost instantly say 'a sense of humour'. Not only is laughter one of the unique traits of humanity, it is also one that is most highly valued. Demonstrate to your teacher and peers how funny you are, and how much you appreciate humour, by laughing at as many things as possible.

Many situations may occur in which a classmate or professor, is looking to lighten the mood a bit with a joke. Do them a favour and respond to their (potentially) witty comment with a full-hearted guffaw. Frequently, however, people (often profs) will say or do things which are extremely comical but don't muster much of a response. Be sure to show how astute you are in the ways of comedy by laughing at everything which seems remotely comical to you. Awkward farts, Freudian slips, mispronounced names, and stutters or speech impairments are all worth a hearty snicker.

#9 Hit On Every Teacher

Nothing grabs a teacher's attention like a low cut school sweater or a tight pair of jeans. Be sure to catch the eye of every teacher you have, lest the one you most need the grades from gets lazy. If they are all aware of their need to compete for your, your grades will get as high as their pensions.

For boys, be a gentleman. A female prof, regardless of age, background, etc, will always appreciate you complimenting her looks, holding doors and noticeably checking out her assets.

For girls, flirt like it was your job. Those dusty, vested and bearded professors are just as dry and uninteresting as they seem. Try to find a way to spice up the teacher-student relationship a bit and keep them wanting more.

By establishing a relationship of this nature with your teacher (where you have them drooling each time you pick up a book) not only will they know you on a first name basis and ensure a high participation mark, you'll also be able to get away with almost any academic mishap!

#8 Answer Every Question

Knowing the answer is secondary. Ask any philosopher if life has more questions than answers and they will always tell you there are, by far, more questions. Now, we all know that you can't have 'too much of a good thing', right? So logically, if there are more questions than answers, questions must be good. Therefore, questions are more important than answers. Every time a teacher asks a question, your hand should be in the air.

Regardless of what the question is, you should supply an answer to the best of your knowledge: what 2+2 is, who had the stapler last, 'did anyone do the readings', etc. Be sure to also answer any questions directed at others, not just open ones. All this response on your part shows that you are knowledgeable, engaged, and responsible. Put the response back in responsible!

#7 Never Do Things When You Say You Will

Image is everything, and you need to maintain it. Do so by keeping those you associate with constantly on their toes by never doing things when you say you will. Arrive late (or maybe early), practice Christmas in June, hand in assignments when best suits you, update things at random,etc. Not only does this demonstrate how adaptive and cunning you are, it will cause your friends and family to respect you more and acknowledge your independence and importance.

You may notice a decline in the number of events you are invited to, but this is just because the public is becoming more aware of how important you are and don't want to waste your time. Likewise, if you discover a drop in grades from handing work in late, it is likely not due to a time restriction and is probably the instructor acknowledging your skill and challenging you with by creating some 'academic room'.

#6 Stay Current

Keep on top of current affairs, particularly media. Watch the news, read about pop-culture ups and downs, but most importantly, keep tabs on contemporary TV series. House, Lost, Mad Men, 30 Rock, The Office, Grey’s Anatomy. You need to know characters, producers, air times and how many times SNL has parodied each. Be sure to follow all the big ones (lest you miss anything important), but if you’re feeling unproductive try catching up on TV shows that used to be popular. What good is a liberal arts degree without context, right?

#5 Never Study

An exam is intended to test how much you know right? So why skew the results! Let each test or exam be an accurate assessment of your knowledge and abilities. When it comes to test time, just remember – every question has an answer. And someone else has answered it before and will probably let you know what it is. When you get your good grades back, be sure to express to your teacher just how little studying you did. This will really show off your natural intellect.

#4 Only do readings while pooping.

#3. Be Cultured

Americans and the British have a long-standing admiration for each other. Musicians from either side of the Atlantic have been inspiring each other for over a century. Demonstrate to your professors how cultured you are by changing the spell check setting on your word processor to the opposite country you are in before writing all your assignments.

#2. Always Abbreviate.

Classes in which you are required to write essays, I’m sure you’ll go to a few, have a special kind of professor - the kind that appreciates an interesting and challenging read. Upon completing your essays, be sure to go over them and include a friendly dash of conjunctions, acronyms, abbreviations and even a word or two in a different language. Then you’ll look smart! Slang is also heartily encouraged, especially in highly academic or historical papers, as it shows you know a lot about society and fully understand the significance of your subject. The newer the slang the better!

#1. Set Your Own Schedule

They say, 'half the battle is just showing up'. But really, who’s paying who here? Shouldn’t you be able to choose when you’re taught? If you feel the need to take a mental health day, you do so! More over, if you feel that your Humanities 101, Introductory Latin or Art for Economic Studies course is not worth your time, don’t give it any!

However, if you deem a class worth attending, be sure to allow an appropriate amount of time to pass before arriving in the classroom, usually fifteen minutes to half an hour. Make sure you communicate to the instructor that you have granted them your attention for the time being. Usually a loud cough, sneeze, banging the door on your way in or even a cheerful greeting will work. If directly acknowledging your instructor requires too much effort, get acknowledged in another way like sporting a brightly coloured and elaborate hairdo, or large amounts of perfume or cologne. Using excessively little amounts of perfume or cologne may also warrant a similar effect. These tactics will also grab the attention of your peers and will probably make you some friends.

A Wonderful Guide To Being A Terrible Student

Welcome one and all!

You now find your self reading the ultimate guide to becoming a terrible student!
I, J.H. Brannen have conducted extensive research on what it is to be a student: social and cultural aspects, biological and physical developments and most importantly, how students become successful. Armed with this knowledge I present to you my guide to becoming the worst student you can possibly be!

Now you may be asking yourself, why would I want to be a terrible student? I can understand why you might be saying that, but let me assure you, there are some very good reasons.

Realistically, students are quite probably the lowest ranking class in Western social structures - somewhere under babies and house plants. Students are forced to pay exorbitant prices to fat-cat schools, live a subsistence lifestyle (not to mention poverty) and slave away for redundant qualifications! Not to mention they are encouraged to accrue massive debts and are then expected to somehow thrive along with the rest of society! Essentially being a student, is being a second class citizen. No longer prized like children, not yet valued as an adult. So why would you want to be a student?


Becoming a terrible student says a lot about you as an individual: you've chosen not to become one of the pack. By determinedly being a bad pupil, you are showing your faculty and peers that you are independent, free thinking, self-motivated and true to your own values - a real sign of integrity. So, come on black sheep! Let's be something different!

Starting January 20th, I shall post tips daily and hopefully as the blog continues, you, my dear reader, shall become a more and more terrible student.